Relationship experts think they've got you all figured out, but maybe you should ask someone out via text message, considering you're a panic sweater and prone to outbursts of profanity. Proving only we can truly know ourselves, How To Make Love To Adrian Colesberry.
A quick-reading, bawdy, generally uproarious manual detailing the best way to score with exactly one man, HTMLTAC's namesake/author parlayed his biomedical engineering degree into a ten-year pharmaceutical industry stint, before finally settling on a lucrative career as a movie extra and stand-up comic, and claims no expertise in anything..."except mind-blowing, life-altering, raucous sex, of course". The memoir covers all areas of AC's past, present, and future bonescapades, with chapter topics including "Am I Right For Adrian Colesberry?", "Seducing Adrian Colesberry", and "Getting Kinky With Adrian Colesberry", where women will glean nuggets such as "Left to his own devices, Adrian will only tie you up as a nasty treat or in an emergency. The emergency being you don't do anything with your hands". Other points of interest include extensive discourse on AC's 11 previous partners; reassurances that his initial difficulty in achieving climax is not physical, but rather due to an argument he's having with the 6-year-old him in his head; and a warning that "it may still make you angry the first time he slaps you in the face. To Adrian, that's the good news, because mainly he's slapping you in the face so you'll slap him back".
Abetting Adrian's rapturous words are an endless array of charts and diagrams, like a pie chart of the ethnic origins of his previous partners, and their sequential breast sizes plotted out with a polynomial best-fit line, which in your case means punching out: "R U here? Im wearing a tanktop. @#$%@$%$#!"