Independent Fabrication Bikes

This world-renowned company uses futuristic amalgams of steel, titanium, and carbon fiber to build bespoke frames for everything from cyclocross to touring. Set up a quickie consultation at your local bike shop (see link for suppliers); they'll send your physical measurements to IFB, and in just a few weeks, you'll receive a rig custom built for your personal, brutish amalgam: stumpy legs and a seat-swallowing anus.