Kristen Stewart Wants It

Without evidence, lofty theories don't get much respect: no one believed the earth was round until Columbus didn't fall off the edge, and Einstein's research proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that we have relatives or something. Proving undeniably that Kristen Stewart wants your sex all the time, Kristen Stewart Wants It.

KSWI's a meticulously outlined blog with one exclusive purpose: prove the fresh-faced Twilight star is incapable of doing anything but oozing her passion-wanting all the time, accomplished through careful analysis of candid paparazzi pics, magazine photos, and film clips, that would probably win a Nobel Prize, but since it won't, will definitely earn the dude who writes it a restraining order. Some postulations:

On wanting it even when she's tired: Oof, ugh, eck, wow, uhhh, damn. She looks terrible here. This is what happens when you want it all the time. It takes its toll on you. This girl is a martyr for all of us because no one out there is living the 24/7 lifestyle of wanting it like she does.

On why George Clooney can't want it more than KS: Here he is saying "I want it, but I know this is not the most appropriate place. We are in a wanting it safe zone and if we could move to an approved wanting it hot spot then I will want it all over your ass." ... George is conservative with his wanting it and that is a big negative because Kristen is the ultra-liberal of wanting it. She is the Dennis Kucinich of wanting it. She is the Karl Marx and David Engels together of wanting it.

On how her wanting it could sell anything, even monkey milk: We are out there every day on the front lines drinking milk from cows...I propose monkeys ... Before you...say "that's disgusting" or "that's against God's plan", what about all the other stuff science has done to monkeys? We sent them to space, we made them glow in the dark, we put them in movies with Clint Eastwood and we blamed them for AIDs. I'm just proposing we drink some of their delicious milk. Either way, you would buy monkey milk if Kristen Stewart was selling it. Could monkey milk really be all that bad if Kristen Stewart wanted it so much?

On how to not get busted doing drugs by bringing up KS: Oh yeah and I realize she is smoking weed in the picture. It took awhile for me to notice because I couldn't get over how much she wanted it. Also it is good to know it is legal to smoke weed in the streets again. I think I'm going to go do that right now and if a police officer stops me I'll just tell him that Kristen Stewart does it. He'll go "that chick who wants it?" and I'll be like "yeah". And then we will talk for hours about her wanting it and he'll forget all about the weed I am smoking.

There's also an entertainingly thorough "Who Is Kristen Stewart" section that breaks down the various roles people might recognize her from, and a recent post featuring a supposed transcript of a voicemail left by ODB heartily praising the site, which will now require someone to posit a lofty theory on where dead crackheads get cellphones.