"Science" claims that the mystery of You is locked in your DNA, but apparently you need a gigantic microscope or something to see it. Let the pros tell you what you're made of, with QTrait.
Run by a gaggle of MDs and PhDs in Washington state, just-launched Trait offers affordable, super-specific home DNA testing; just spit into their kit, then mail in your Loogie of Truth to get the goods on:
Performance: Trait'll reveal how your body's assembled, including fast- v. slow-twitch muscle composition and different ACE gene mutations (another indicator of power/endurance). They suggest this can optimize your training routine, so you'll have something hyper-customized to not keep up with.
Addictive Tendencies: Get the dirt on how you metabolize opioids and process alcohol, whether or not you're inclined towards addictive street drug use, and if you're genetically protected against getting hooked on nicotine, marijuana, or booze; if you're safe, party time.
Health & Longevity: Discover your predisposition to mental resilience, and just how responsible genetics are for your metabolism and weight -- validating your long-refuted claims that it was Watson & Crick who turned you into a fatty.
Other categories include Sleep & the Senses, Nutrition & Allergies, and Pregnancy & Childbirth; individual tests run $99 a pop, but package deals're offered for bulk buys -- clearly, Trait's unlocked the mystery of the Absolutely Can't Say No To A Deal, Even If I Don't Need Pregnancy-Complication Testing gene.