Personal servants may provide unmatched levels of attention, but the sad truth is most men named Jeeves are sarcastic herbs who'll crack on your weight problem even as they wheel in your dinner. Get life-management without the lip, with Red Butler Elite
New from the concierge pros, Elite comes with unlimited access to RB's basic time-saving/access-granting services, plus impressive "lifestyle-reinforcement" perks that'll turn you into a person actually deserving of concierge services. Level One: each membership comes with 24/7 access to attendant specialists, who'll do everything from finagling a hard-to-get dinner res, to chartering a yacht, to phoning you with an escape-worthy "emergency" during a bad date, which could make things awkward on that yacht. Taking things up a notch, self-aggrandizing perks include bi-annual member networking events, five complimentary private lessons in the activity of your choice (from guitar to swank crib design), and monthly "surprise" gifts (fine booze, show tix, etc), a welcome happy-maker when everyone else cruelly forgets your birth-plus-seven-months-day
Of course butlers also provide sage council, so Elite's teamed with Tony Robbins to provide Personal Life Coaches who'll check in each month to "ensure that you are maintaining a sufficient core balance", great until that sonofabitch wryly suggests your core could use a plus-size seat on a motorized cart. Oh snap!