The Beer Belly
The hip flask may be the traditional method of ensuring a handy supply of discount swill, but in this age of heightened security and tighter, more revealing men's clothing, it's more likely to get you busted than blitzed. The solution: the Beer Belly.
The concept is simple, and the practicality's stunning: a polyurethane bladder, nestled like a baby in a neoprene sling, holds 80 fluid ounces of joy snug against your tum-tum. Route the drinking tube up through your shirt, or wind it down through your pants, making a cup of suds (or an exhilarating R. Kelly impersonation) a mere zipper tug away
Other reasons why the Beer Belly is a superior method for hiding the source of your merriment:
- Thanks to the non-metallic construction, you'll have no problem spiriting social lubrication past metal detectors at sporting events, concerts, and inner-city grade schools.
- The Belly's designed to look like an expansive paunch under your shirt -- so you won't appear to be a lawbreaker, just an older version of yourself after squeezing out two kids.
- To test its durability, the inventors drove a car over a full bladder (pictured bottom left) with no Belly leakage -- proof that it will easily withstand the cruel fists of bouncers, when they catch you selling cut-rate vodka-Red Bulls to underage club kids.
Obviously, the Belly was designed with the worst kind of drinker in mind, but imagine how handy it'll be for New Year's, whether you're at an oversold "open bar" party, or hanging with the TRL crowd in cop-infested Times Square. A word of advice: if you fill it with celebratory champagne, limit yourself to 60oz. The expanding carbonation will distend your Belly* alarmingly, like a malnourished pygmy -- or a man who's hiding three bottles of bubbly in his gut
*BB's working on a carbonation-friendly system with Gore-Tex that'll hopefully be ready by baseball season.