New Year's means rededicating yourself to hard work, finally listing out all those important tasks that need accomplishing, and then figuring out who the hell's going to do them. For all your slothful efficiency needs, try Dunn & Overwith
D&O's a boutique personal assistant service staffed by eight college-educated, Tri-State-based minions competent in everything from dog walking, to event coordination and office management, to appreciative boot-licking. Your bidding gets done via three "clubs", starting with The Lexington (online/phone concierges who rotate based on availability, $10/mnth + $30 p/hr billed) and The Madison, which for $20/mnth + $50 p/hr gets you the above plus occasional in-person help (vital for when you've fallen, and can't get up). Those craving the human touch can hit up The Park Club, which entails D&O sending a dedicated assistant to your home, office, etc, ($75 p/hr for a minimum of five hours p/week), where he can become intimately familiar with your projects, work style, and chilling love for the movie Secretary.
Your relationship with Dunn begins with an interview, and if you opt for The Park Club, the assignation of a dedicated PA best suited for your needs -- which, given your fecklessness, should include having someone take care of that interview too.