The Lobster Pusher Man

Drug dealing's all about creative distribution, whether that means fronting with an ice cream truck, or sewing pills into designer dresses (yes, PIX at 10 news anchor Kaity Tong, parents should be worried about Gossip Girl). Finding new avenues for his crack-like lobster rolls, the Lobster Pusher Man.

A Cambridge native whose granddad once served as head of Mass. fisheries, LPM's a veteran East Coast surfer and underground seafood radio-show host who started pushing lobster weight out of his basement after guests at his Greenpoint chowder club expressed a yen for heartier fare; too much press brought in the Fire Dept (boo, media), so now LPM's adopted a covert alter-ego (see above), and devised a Wire-like, two-prong plan for turning NYers into desperate crackstacean-heads. The latest/greatest innovation's having "affiliates" take over actual street corners, where they'll surreptitiously pass product only to those who are down; the other method, which now covers Manhattan, involves rolls whisked via Vespa to wherever you are: out front of your apt., a bar, "by a maroon Fiero", or, if you're being honest, "by my maroon Fiero". The rolls themselves use 2lb-max Maine lobsters (smaller ones = sweeter) quickly steamed using sea salt/bay leaf/onion/garlic/peppercorn-treated water, plus light mayo so's not to overwhelm natural juices; the buns, warmed on-delivery by a scooter-strapped grill, are of the "high fructose corn syrup variety", as the best way to honor your meal's to not outlive it by much.

So far everything's been word of mouth, but now there's a paranoiacally devious system: deliveries & corner tip-offs are handled via text, but to get to that point, you must first join the Brooklyn Urban Anglers F-book page, then post on its Wall expressing lobster interest. From there, your profile will be screened to ensure you're not a cop/ass, and if you pass muster, you'll eventually be passed digits -- if you're still wearing your drug-dress, just make sure to keep them separate from all the other digits you've been passed.