Proper Cloth

The catch-22 of work shirts: if you're looking for one, you certainly can't go buy it topless, but if you had one, why are you buying one? Gird your pale fatness through the magic of the Internet, with

From a Cali entrepreneur and a Brooks Brothers vet, NY-based Proper lets you meticulously design the perfect button-down for your taste and needs, then mails it to you so you don't have to throw on that mesh jersey just to pick it up. The four-step process begins with selecting from 34 Italian fabrics filtered by color, pattern, thickness, and thread count (from a supple 80-count, to a nipples-soothing 120+), then clicking your preferred collar (English, Londoner...), cuff (barrel, French...), and pocket/no-pocket; for each choice, Proper places your selection in context, e.g., the Londoner collar's perfect for a 7-fold tie knot but also looks good open, while the button down collar's casual and "doesn't scream success, but Bill Gates sure likes them" (then again, he can afford to look like a miserable hobo). Proper also lets you select contrasting fabrics for your collar/cuff, place a monogram in multiple colors/fonts, select your exact dimensions and fit (super slim, classic, etc), and finally, print your full name on the shirt tag (flash it to your marker-happy mom, so she can witness the full extent of her failure).

Shirts arrive within two weeks, and start at $90 -- but if you have that kind of money, why is your entire wardrobe perforated for ventilation?