Having served as a quiver of hilarious quote arrows for 12 years, The Big Lebowski is now officially beaten to death. But you know what isn't? Shakespeare! Invigorating the Dude with that Elizabethan funk, The Most Excellent Comedie and Tragical Romance of Two Gentlemen of Lebowski.
An adaptation of the movie's entire screenplay loaded Bard-ian vernacular, TGoL's from an NY-based Lebowski buff/aspiring screenwriter who, tired of pitching an original script to Hollywood types, spent the holidays drawing from the two immortal sources to create an epic mash-up...with no Jay-Z! Some choice highlights:
THE KNAVE: Thou err'st; no man calls me Lebowski. Yet thou art man; neither spirit damned nor wandering shadow, thou art solid flesh, man of woman born. Hear rightly, man!-for thou hast got the wrong man. I am the Knave, man; Knave in nature as in name.
QUINCE: Well; but be forewarn'd. It reach'd mine ears / That combustible Walter, o'ercome with rage / Did shed good sense, and raise his sword in play. / I fear not such jade's tricks, an seeing ill, / Would snatch the burden from the jealous knight / And pierce his gizzard with the wrongful steel, / Points up, as said of Coriolanus.
THE KNAVE: Zounds!
QUINCE: Thou speakest rightly, sir. No man misdeals with Joshua Quince, by Jesu.
BONNIE: And a lady of good housekeeping and agriculture besides, minded to economy and all practicalities. Were thou to bring a gentle cock to mine bed-chamber, I might help him to success for ten shillings.
DONALD: Wherefore thou playest not at ninepins on Saturday, Sir Walter?
WALTER: On our most holy Sabbath I am sworn / To keep tradition, form and ceremony. / The seventh and the last day rests the Jew; I labour not, nor ride in chariot, / Nor handle gold, nor even play the cook, / And sure as Providence I do not roll.
Though there're no set plans to actually produce the play, the author's already fielding calls from interested parties, because while the Internet's beaten to death, you know what isn't? Theater!