Nature is a mystery: For all we know, Bigfoot might be grunting in the forest somewhere in Michigan, and in Alaska, the North American equivalent of the Loch Ness Monster seems to be a very real thing.
The Alaskan Bureau of Land Management captured something ominous -- and enormous -- swimming eerily through Chena River earlier this week. The footage would lead one to believe that there’s a whole family of Loch Ness Monsters lurking in cold-ass water across the globe, which is exciting news for conspiracy theorists:
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Because the internet is fueled by conspiracies and meaningless conjecture, the video’s comment section was flooded with suggestions as to what the huge fish might actually be. The public’s guesses -- such as “sturgeon,” “freshwater shark” and “alligator” -- were good intentioned, but totally wrong if you want to believe in river monsters.
Unfortunately, Alaska’s Department of Fish and Game had to investigate the mystery as if it wasn’t already an open and shut case. The BLM issued an update, writing that according to the investigation, the video probably shows "frazil ice stuck to a rope that is probably caught on a bridge pier." According to local reports in Alaska, fazil ice is "a kind of loose, slushy ice that forms on water."
That’s convenient, but we all know this is an insane cover-up.
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Sam Blum is a News Staff Writer for Thrillist. He's also a martial arts and music nerd who appreciates a fine sandwich and cute dogs. Find his clips in The Guardian, Rolling Stone, The A.V. Club and Vice. He's on Twitter @Blumnessmonster.