Anthony Bourdain's 'Crimes Against Food' Are Absolutely Hysterical

Zero Point Zero Production Inc.
Zero Point Zero Production Inc.

Anthony Bourdain is a man of words, and when those words are designated for say, Guy Fieri, or a Chicken Caesar Salad, they get heated. The latter is just one of Bourdain's examples of "crimes against food," a list of offensive culinary ideas you definitely don't want to commit. At least, not in front of Bourdain.

The TV host published his "Crimes Against Food" list on the List app, and it's filled with harsh, often sexually tinged words for truffle oil (lube) and Kobe Meatballs (indicator of small penis). But for any of this to make sense, you really need to read the list yourself.

Without further ado:

Bourdain's Crimes Against Food

1. The Brioche Hamburger Bun: "The hamburger bun is designed to ABSORB grease, not add greasiness to the experience. A proper hamburger bun should retain its structural integrity, playing its role as delivery vehicle for the meat patty until the last bite. The brioche bun, woefully unsuitable for this role, crumbles. God is against the brioche bun."

2. The Third Slice Of Bread on a Club Sandwich: "You know who invented the middle slice? Enemies of freedom. Their mission? Sap our will to live by ruining our sandwich experiences through 'tectonic slide.'"

3. The Half-Assed Muffin on an Eggs Benedict: "You know it. The lazy cook toasts it under the broiler for a few seconds on one side, leaving the outer surface gummy and raw tasting and lacking the textural note your poached egg and Canadian bacon and sauce desperately need."

4. Slurry of Soy Sauce and Wasabi: "If you immediately plop a big wad of wasabi into your dish of soy sauce, mix it around with your chopsticks? Your sushi chef loses all respect for you. Dip your nigiri into it rice side down? He hates you now. You may as well spit in his face. Seven years learning rice and you just shat in it."

5. Chicken Caesar: "Why? They're going to cook the chicken to shit anyway."

6. Truffle Oil: "It's not food. It's not truffles. It's lube."

7. "Kobe Meatballs" (ditto "Kobe Burger"): "If you order either of these utterly fraudulent items at a restaurant or popular gathering spot for bro's, all I can say is I'm truly sorry about your penis."

While you might not agree with Bourdain's take on this stuff... at least you can get a pretty good laugh out of it. And really, that's all that counts.

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Kara King is a News Writer at Thrillist and is now embarrassed to admit she likes truffle oil. Send news tips to and follow her at @karatillie.