Philadelphia Is Greasing Lampposts With Crisco to Stop Eagles Fans From Climbing Them
Good morning from Philly where crews from the city are greasing the light poles with Crisco to prevent #Eagles fans from climbing after the #NFCChampionshipGame tonight. #Vikings pregame coverage starts at 3 on FOX9. They call themselves the #CriscoCops pic.twitter.com/w1ZkYWZhYG— FOX 9 Sports (@Fox9Sports) January 21, 2018
How you celebrate should be in keeping with what you're celebrating; that's why we invented the golf clap. Naturally football has its own rituals, like slapping your friend's exposed beer belly, chanting nonsense, and climbing your city's lampposts like a gorilla exposed to nuclear radiation.
At least that's what they do in Philly. In preparation for Sunday's NFC Championship Game against the Minnesota Vikings, the city has sent out workers to grease its lampposts with Crisco. The crews are calling themselves the Crisco Cops, and they're taking a stand against human beings inexplicably wriggling their way up public light fixtures -- which is to say, they're heroes.
Generally, city-wide ecstatic freakouts are reserved for league championships like the Superbowl, not conference championships like the NFC Championship, but Philly is a special place and who's to say they shouldn't take their victories seriously.
The 15th Police District has also warned local businesses to "have gates locked and secured in order to protect your property. Please remove anything outside your business -- trash cans, flower pots, etc." The police also ask that alcoholic beverages be served in plastic cups instead of bottles for obvious reasons.
It's possible that the Vikings win and this is all for naught. Or these citizens might realize lampposts don't lead anywhere. We'll have to wait and see -- and maybe hide in the meantime.