Philly Police Were Offered Barrels of Lube to Stop Eagles Fans From Climbing Poles

During the NFC Championship in Philadelphia on January 21, a unit of the Philadelphia Police who dubbed themselves the Crisco Cops greased the city's light poles with Crisco. The goal was to stop revelers from climbing street lights if the Eagles won (or, hell, even if they lost). 

Of course, Crisco couldn't stop the merrymakers from scaling poles.

With the Super Bowl approaching this weekend, the Philadelphia Police have announced the Crisco is out. It didn't work and there are no plans to try shortening again. In response, Pornhub -- a site whose purpose you've already surmised -- has offered two 55-gallon barrels of lube.

"As evidenced by our breast and testicle cancer prevention and awareness campaigns, both health and safety are very important to us at Pornhub," Pornhub VP Corey Price said. "So, when we got word that Crisco wasn’t successfully keeping rowdy Philly fans from climbing street signs and traffic lights, which can be very dangerous, we thought we could help by offering our lube. We figured if we are able to successfully “grease the poles” of thousands of Pornhub fans across the globe, why not help out the good people of Philly!"

The company says the offer is serious and they have a variety of lubricants that could suit the city's greasing needs. 

The Philadelphia Police only responded with a Star Trek meme. Nonetheless, they may have other plans in place already.

The Associated Press reports there are still plans to grease poles, but the police department doesn't want to tip their hand in advance. Commissioner Richard Ross said that whatever they do "it will be safe ... it will be effective." Win or lose, climbing poles in dog masks after Sunday's Super Bowl "will be far more difficult" than it was last weekend.

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Dustin Nelson is a News Writer with Thrillist. He holds a Guinness World Record but has never met the fingernail lady. Follow him @dlukenelson.