This Tortoise Fucks


Certain guys might claim an absurd level of sexual prowess, but this tortoise is putting the humble-braggers to shame, one pelvic thrust at a time. Diego the giant tortoise is a virile love-making-machine, having brought his species back from the brink of extinction. He’s fathered some 800 offspring on the Galapagos Island of Espanola, and shared some fierce Oh-faces in the process:

He’s an old soul, really -- Agence France Presse notes he arrived in the Galapagos in 1976, after a stint at the San Diego Zoo -- but he’s certainly proven himself a young lover at heart, even if he’s really a horny old man. Researchers estimate that Diego is over 100 years old, which makes him a geriatric alpha-male.

“He's a very sexually active male reproducer. He's contributed enormously to repopulating the island," Washington Tapia, a tortoise coitus specialist at Galapagos National Park, told the AFP.

Indeed. Per Tapia’s estimations, Diego would have a terrible time on Maury: He’s fathered about 40 percent of the island’s wild offspring. Diego is part of a breeding program that includes other would-be Tortoise fathers, but he’s clearly the Tortoise-humper of greatest repute. He lives in a breeding enclosure with six female tortoises, and they spend their days being fed and repopulating the island, or, you know, banging each other.

"We did a genetic study and we discovered that he was the father of nearly 40 percent of the offspring released into the wild on Espanola," Tapia said. She added that fifty years ago, there were only two males and 12 females of Diego’s species alive on the island. Now, the prolific humper’s progeny are crawling about everywhere.

As Diego thrusts his native Chelonoidis hoodensis species back into a bountiful existence, the science world has cause for celebration. Keep on fucking, Diego. The world needs you.

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Sam Blum is Staff Writer at Thrillist, and is very impressed by Diego the giant tortoise's sexual stamina. He's on Twitter @Blumnessmonster.