Fiona the Hippo Is Being Wooed on Twitter and the Internet Is Thrilled
As an informed citizen, you're well aware that Fiona the Hippo is the most beloved hippopotamus alive, possibly of all time. Though technically the daughter of two large semiaquatic mammals named Henry and Bibi, the one-year-old resident of the Cincinnati Zoo truly feels like our nation's child.
But they grow up so fast. Young Fiona has her first suitor. And since she's a member of Generation Z, the courtship is naturally taking place over Twitter.
That 1,200-pound love interest's name is Timothy. He's a two-year-old hippo from the San Antonio Zoo, and what he may lack in years he more than makes up for in confidence, as you can see in this tweet. A less bold hippopotamus might have stuck to DMs, but not Timothy. He tagged her in a tweet and put his hippo heart on the line.
Dear Fiona,— San Antonio Zoo and Zoo School🦏 (@SanAntonioZoo) March 8, 2018
My name is Timothy. I have seen you on the internet at the @CincinnatiZoo & you are the most beautiful hippo I have ever seen! Perhaps we can meet someday and be boyfriend and girlfriend? I am single and available. #HippoSwipeRight #TeamFiona
Twitter was duly impressed.
The Cincinnati Zoo then responded for Fiona. Apparently Cincinnati zookeepers are less comfortable with speaking in the voice of one of the most dangerous animals in world. Or maybe Fiona's just shy. You be the judge.
Fiona thinks you’re cute too, but it’s what’s on the inside that counts! Your DNA will decide if you’re the one for our little diva. Any potential mate would have to be ok w/ taking a back seat. Are you ok w/paparazzi? Most importantly, are you willing to relocate to Cincinnati? https://t.co/7XFCiYnyz7— Cincinnati Zoo (@CincinnatiZoo) March 9, 2018
Whatever your take on this, we can all agree that "Your DNA will decide if you’re the one for our little diva" is a profoundly upsetting sentence.
Timothy then solicited Twitter's advice for how to proceed. Twitter was more than happy to provide advice, both positive and negative.
start out with a joke, then compliment her but be cool about it.— Judith Slaughter (@txfoo) March 10, 2018
We'll have to wait and see if this is true love or just a youthful crush, but it's certainly what the world needed after the season finale of The Bachelor.
James Chrisman is a News Writer at Thrillist who thinks Timothy focused a little too much on Fiona's looks and not what a beautiful hippo she is deep down. Send news tips to email@example.com and follow him on Twitter @james_chrisman2.