These United States are home to many great races in -- both naked, beer-and-pizza-fueled, and otherwise -- but none match the prestige that is the beer can race at Gamblers Hockey rink in Green Bay, Wisconsin. If you don't believe me, a video more than a year old resurfaced on Reddit this week that proves my point. If you still don't believe me, you haven't watched the video embedded at the top of this post yet.
There's not much more to be explained here, except for the fact that this video depicts maybe the greatest comeback in the history of sports. It's better than the Indians battling back from a 12-run deficit in the seventh inning to beat the Mariners 15-14. It's better than the Patriots winning the Super Bowl. It's better than Michael Goddamn Jordan after Michael "The Goddamn Baseball Attempter" Jordan. It's better because it's simpler than all of that nonsense and is mercifully contained. This is a heat for glory that lasts less than 60 seconds where everything on the line is mass-market suds and the soundtrack is -- what the hell else could it possibly be?! -- the William Tell Overture.
It will be counted among the artifacts that aliens analyze when they discover our planet. They will point at us with their thin, alien fingers. They will deliberate. And yes, ultimately, they will turn around, choosing to retrace their ion trails for lightyears rather than risk any interactions with us.
We humans will remain blissfully unaware. We will drink beer -- and we will enjoy the greatest games the universe has ever known -- in peace.