There are many Thanksgiving Day monstrosities out there. The time-honored Turducken -- a.k.a. the choice entree of John Madden and your crazy uncle Steve -- completely personifies American gluttony by stuffing a chicken inside of a duck inside of a turkey. It sounds grotesque, but the triple-bird endures, because it probably tastes like #freedom.
But there are also dietary alternatives for those who seek to punish themselves on Thanksgiving by abstaining from meat. One of these lovely creations is the Tofucken -- a vegan Thanksgiving feast that sounds like a weird porno. In this glorious video, a Tofucken is prepared by an appropriately dirty-mouthed grandma. Like any God-fearing senior citizen, she loves disparaging “cooking show freaks” and “simple douchebags,” while preparing the substitute meat.
The old lady is Peggy Glenn, who shares profanity-laced videos on her thriving YouTube channel as Granny PottyMouth. The spitting image of a kindly grandmother, she lets obscenities fly like a reckless frat bro after a night spent bench pressing thirty-racks. But she always does so with a kind spirit and gentle touch.
Will you eschew traditional Thanksgiving in favor of the Tofucken this year? Whatever your choice, don’t swear like Granny PottyMouth at the dinner table. You’ll most likely be shunned.
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Sam Blum is a heathen and would eat the hell out of a Turducken. Follow him @Blumnessmonster.