What? You Think You're Too 'Practical' for This $95,000 Hippopotamus Couch?

Hammacher Schlemmer
Hammacher Schlemmer

What do you really want? asks the fortune cookie. Are you satisfied, really? Asks the subway multivitamin advertisement. Isn't it time you lived for yourself? asks the Garnier Fructis TV advertisement. Can't you see? The whole world is joining forces to get YOU to do what YOU want. So just do it. Do it, you coward! Buy the $95,000 HippopotAMUS COUCH.

Sorry, it's just so hard to see you pass up on the things that Matter To You. Like Neiman Marcus’ $7,100 hot dog couch. Remember when you nearly clicked "purchase," but a voice inside your head whispered, no, you're not enough. Well, you are enough, babe. You're enough for this handcrafted hippopotamine sofa from Hammacher Schlemmer, with its supple, tufted full-grain leather sofa seat and pebbled leather-like polyurethane skin. 

"Unlike the aggressive, unpredictable nature of the hippopotamus," says the description. "this sofa provides a reliable place to read or entertain guests while paying tribute to the animal ancient cultures revered for its intrepidity, tenacity, and bravery."

Imagine you, splayed on your life-sized hippo couch, paying tribute to ancient animal cultures via eating sloppy McDonald's delivery straight from the bag. The time is now, my love. Seize the day. Seize your savings account. Close your 401(k). Ask your distant relatives for money. Ruin your life for what you really want. 

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Ruby Anderson is a News Writer for Thrillist.