It should be obvious that TV characters live in a fictional world, unbound by real-life constrictions like mortgage rates, market flow, and gainful employment. Have you ever noticed how TV characters somehow have time to eat long, eventful breakfasts with their friends, like, every morning? I barely have time to shower in the morning, let alone become involved in a heated, comical debate about calling a girl within three days of meeting her.
So it should come as no surprise that market valuations of various fictional businesses are all over the place, from bottom-of-the-barrel lows to daunting highs that no barista could handle. We've seen this with apartments and homes before, and now Bizdaq, the UK's number one business for sale marketplace (what?), has put valuations on some of the most beloved fictional businesses in TV lore. Here are a few of their findings, along with the rationale behind their valuations.
It's everyone's favorite show with Jennifer Anniston and that funny guy and all those other people! Naturally, the place to be was a coffee shop (where all New Yorkers hang out, multiple times a day) that's usually fairly busy but somehow not busy enough to have the massive orange couch in the middle of the shop be occupied by anyone outside six random customers. Despite an estimated yearly earning of $1,073,100 (which, as they note, is quite good for a little coffee shop), but countered by the fact that the prime West Village property is probably rented, not owned -- the valuation comes in a little low.
Total Valuation: $673,215
Apparently Mr. Gustavo Fring was as good at hawking white meat as he was at blue meth, as Los Pollos Hermanos -- despite being a front for his "real job" -- was raking in an astounding $12,775,000 a year. With the discipline and consideration Mr. Fring was giving his chicken chain, it's easy to see why his Yelp reviews are so glowing. Must be addictive, or something.
Total Valuation: $10,361,904
Springfield's least favorite watering hole and Simpson haunt, Moe's Tavern has a limited clientele, but they're responsible for “91% of all traffic accidents” in town -- so they have that going for them. As evidenced by multiple (failed) rebranding attempts -- Flaming Moe's, Uncle Moe's Family Feedbag, etc -- and his backroom businesses like whale smuggling and boxing promotion, Moe's is constantly losing money for its owner. Now I kind of feel bad for laughing at all those prank calls.
Total Valuation: $79,580
The Drunken Clam (Family Guy)
Many people will say that Family Guy is nothing but a crass, low-brow Simpsons knock-off. And they're not wrong. So, naturally, they needed their own, crass, low-brow version of Moe's Tavern. Enter the Drunken Clam: a single entendre that's just like its Springfield counterpart, with nothing memorable or redeeming about it, at all. Surely, it can't be worth more than Moe's right? Right?!
Total Valuation: $151,843
For all the fictional businesses, including some from video games and British TV shows you probably never heard of, check out the full post here.