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There’s No Human Flesh in Dairy Queen’s Burgers, Officials Say

When I was a young lass, it was rumored that our local McDonald's had replaced their ketchup with human blood. Ironically, teenagers flocked to the restaurant to take pictures of themselves with the bloodchup and post it on Instagram. But not all cannibalistic marketing leads to boosted revenue, which was demonstrated by a recent incident in South Carolina involving a Dairy Queen, a complaint that their burgers were human flesh, and a federal raid of the ice cream franchise. 

It all started when a few businesses, including a Dairy Queen in Greenwood, were raided by federal agents. Following the raids was a complaint to a corporate inspector that there was human meat inside the DQ burgers. In turn, that inspector informed DQ’s manager, Saif Momin.

“If that was the case, they already would have shut me down,” Momin told Index-Journal about the alleged fleshy burgers.

Although the raid was likely related to an unlicensed money transfer business that used the Greenwood DQ as a site of exchange, rumors about the raid started flying on social media, and DQ was forced to swoop in and defend its name.

But the force of conspirators is powerful, so Greenwood County Coroner Sonny Cox and health inspectors stepped up to defend DQ, as well. There was no human flesh in the burgers, they cried. 

“I promise you, I’ve never had anything of that nature asked of me,” Cox told Index-Journal. “I’ve never suspected anything like that. I can honestly say that’s the first I’ve heard of it, and I don’t see any validity in that at all.”

This would make sense, as the building had an updated health inspection and, in 2018, received an “A” grade. 

A DQ spokesperson told Index-Journal that the company was investigating, and that “the allegations of illegal activity are troubling." She referred all further questions to the authorities.

At this point, it’s pretty hard to deny the evidence that the raid was caused by other crimes, because two men allegedly involved in the money transfer business are scheduled for a preliminary detention hearing today. 

Sorry conspirators. The earth might still be flat, tho. 

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Ruby Anderson is a news writer for Thrillist.