Idiot Dodged Taxes for 21 Years, Blamed Satan, and Definitely Got Caught

No one -- not you, not the President of the United States of America -- loves* doing taxes. Most of us, however, will not invoke Satan himself in an argument against doing them. Apparently, that's what James Schlosser of Bird-in-Hand, PA, has done for 21 years. Our friends at the esteemed Associated Press have the story

"A Pennsylvania man has been convicted of failing to file his income tax returns for 21 years because he considered using a Social Security number akin to using the 'mark of the beast' spelled out in the Bible."

Schlosser, a longtime medical equipment salesman, didn't file returns from 1994 to 2014, prosecutors say, for a total of $2.3 million in unreported income, which he then put into foreign business trusts and corporations he had set up in Nevada.

In light of all that, Schlosser's adherence to biblical literalism did not save him. The IRS brought the hellfire and brimstone. After the verdict came in, the agency's Criminal Investigation Acting SAC Gregory Floyd put it this way, "Convictions, like the one returned against James K. Schlosser, send a loud and clear message that regardless of their opinions, people who willfully defy the tax laws will be fully investigated, prosecuted, and subjected to the full punishment of the law for their actions."

Schlosser faces a $450,000 fine, plus the cost of prosecution and a maximum of five years in prison. He gets sentenced June 10.

Given the charge and the ongoing duration of the fraud, this was always coming. Seriously, what was this poor schmuck thinking? They got Al Capone, not after orchestrating the massacre of seven men, but after he cheated on his taxes. The Joker said it best in the Batman: The Animated Series episode "Joker's Millions" -- where he suddenly comes into a metric shit-ton of money:

"I'm crazy enough to take on Batman, but the IRS? Noooooooooooo, thank you."

*Yes, I am aware that accountants and other professionals exist to do them for you, and you are free to cite their glee in your rebuttal of the statement above, but I maintain that "love" as a concept can only be antithetical to the world of taxes and anyone who disagrees is lying or trying to make money off you. Come on, people. 


Eric Vilas-Boas is a writer and editor at Thrillist. Follow him @e_vb_.