Not all heroes make sense.
Australian wildlife biologist Adam Thorn is the hero you never thought you needed, as he’s just proven on the History Channel that it does indeed hurt to be bitten by a 6-foot long reticulated python.
The stunt was captured for the aptly named show Kings of Pain, which stars Thorn and professional animal handler Rob “Caveman” Alleva. The two set out to get bitten and stung by stuff in order to “create a complete and comprehensive pain index that will ultimately help save lives,” according to TV Week. This is not the first time someone has taken on this task; YouTube star Coyote Peterson let a snapping turtle bite him on purpose, and it didn’t go well. My beer-fueled uncles also used to do this at our lake house, but I don’t have a hyperlink or the courage to reveal my shaky upbringing.
The clip opens with Thorn and Alleva talking about what’s soon to go down.
“Are you ready to do this?” Alleva asks.
“I just want to -- just want to get it over with,” Thorn responds. Then to the camera: “The damage this snake can inflict is massive.” He says, if the snake latches on, things can get “very serious, very quickly.” And that is exactly what happened.
After the psychological set up, you see the actual biting set up. Snake on the picnic table with two men on either side, poking and prodding it out of the bag. Thorn stands at the end of the table as he explains what could happen in a voiceover.
“The best outcome is big puncture wounds in our arm that bleed a lot.” Worst outcome? Death. But it must be done… For… Some reason….
The snake zeroes in on Thorn and lunges, just as he lowers his arm and flexes. A slow motion video shows the python snapping just above the elbow and hanging on. After a moment of bizarre chaos -- the kind that makes you wonder why we’re even put here on this God-given Earth -- the men are able to get the snake off and controlled. Thorn announces that a fang is still in his arm, and that the wounds are deep.
Thorn only ended up needing to get a few stitches. He’s able to continue purposefully entering into perilous situations and acting shocked and upset by the outcomes, while ungrateful YouTubers leave comments like “Seen guys take python bite like mosquito bite. This guy is a cry baby,” and “next time jump in front of a speeding bus.” To be clear, you should do none of these things.