Losing your virginity is like riding a roller coaster: the buildup overshadows the actual climax; you'll be uncomfortable for about 3 minutes, if you're lucky; and the older the track, the more likely you are to be tossed around. Fortunately, most of us go back for more, knowing how fun the ride can be. Sex.
But for Mohammed Abad, the buildup toward losing his V-card was like being in the front car on a hill climbing Mount Everest. You see, because Abad was 44 years old and just recently got a bionic penis. But he finally joined the non-virgin club, according to The Sun, giving it up to a sex worker named Charlotte Rose. High five!
Now a security guard in Scotland, Abad lost his penis and a testicle in a car accident at age 6, according to The Sun. He's since undergone 100 surgeries to recreate his dismembered member -- equaling nearly $100,000 (£70,000) in medical costs. Beginning in 2012, doctors fitted Abad with a "bionic penis" described as "two tubes... which inflate when he presses a button on his testicle." A skin graft from Abad's arm covers the resultant dingy, with his inner tubes inflating to 8 inches in length. But only recently has his pinnace been fit for female waters. Meaning sex.
“I wanted someone who was willing to accept me the way I was," he told The Sun. "I’m a learner... I didn’t want to go in all guns blazing and make an idiot of myself.”
When she heard of Abad's inexperience, Charlotte, 35, contacted Abad, and after getting to know one another, he asked her to be his first. But as with most virgins, Abad's maiden voyage didn't go off without a hitch. In fact, one tube didn't inflate, which allowed Abad to truthfully utter the phrase, "This has never happened before," since it is likely the first time in history a bionic penis failed to inflate properly.
The next day, though, Charlotte and Mohammed got it on after he got his steamboat running at full power.
"When Charlotte saw it for the first time, she was silent and I was a bit worried. But then she said: ‘It’s incredible’. It’s nice to hear a lady say that," Abad told The Sun.
Not only did she compliment Abad's mast-raising -- Charlotte also waived her usual $230/hour fee. She told the paper it was nearly a two-hour voyage, to boot.
"After it was over, I lay there with a big smile on my face.”
If, at this point, you're still wondering what a bionic penis looks like, watch the video below. And if you aren't: just be happy for Mohammed. That guy can keep his penis erect for as long as he wants! Plus, he made all these boat/penis jokes possible.
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Ryan Craggs is Thrillist's Senior News Editor. He was trying to think of more boat-related penis puns, but figured he didn't want to go overboard. Follow him @ryanrcraggs.