What should I expect?
Utter madness! La La Land star Ryan Gosling, for his part, has reportedly told this year's host Jimmy Kimmel, "Don't fuck it up!" And Kimmel himself told The New York Times that, "I've come to terms with the fact that someone is going to be disappointed in me at the end. I just don't know who it will be yet." I applaud that line of thinking and wish Mr. Kimmel the best of luck. In reality, he's probably going to tell at least a couple hysterical zingers, more than a few flops, and -- I would hope, in the year of #OscarsSoWhite -- avoid pulling a Seth McFarlane on the whole affair.
What are the odds La La Land wins it all?
Well, not too bad actually. We've broken down a full list of Oscars 2017 predictions for all the major categories -- in addition to a more specific ranking of the Best Picture nominees, which is a nine-film field this year. The smart money's on La La Land but if the Oscars voted based on the vacillations of my heart, Moonlight would take it all.
What if I come in late and miss some of the coolest stuff?
Take it easy. The diligent team at Thrillist Entertainment will shepherd you through the darkness, and Twitter will carry you the rest of the way. For starters, follow the #Oscars hashtag on Twitter. It's got a fancy statue emoji next to it and everything.