Video Shows Rat Walking on Subway Platform With Coffee Cup, Perhaps Listening to NPR
Remi the Rat was having A Morning. It started when the breakfast mayo he was licking from his local dumpster turned out to be calamine lotion. Then he found his wife sleeping with another male rat on the glue trap and no matter what Remi said, he couldn't separate the two from their bed of sins.
Who gave that vermin the right to claim my lady? He thought as he ordered his empty coffee cup at Starbins, the two bins outside of Starbucks. He thought of his rat friend, whom he used to go to Starbins with, and who just last year had died after eating $20,000 out of an ATM. Was life just an endless scroll of loss?
Remi's ruminations were making him late for work, so he decided to take the express train instead of his usual chaotic zig zag. He'd just finished reading an article about how NYC had the No. 3 three in a ranking of the cities with the worst rat problems, when he realized he was being filmed. He tried to scurry away, but the human followed him, and posted the footage to Twitter.
If you watch carefully and are fluent in rat sign language, you can see Remi saying "please leave me the hell alone, Melissa. Also, I hate your top."
Thankfully, Remi had deleted his Twitter after being unable to type anything coherent, so he couldn't see what everyone said about him after Melissa posted it. Nor could he see anything Chrissy Teigen said, thank rodent God, because he hated her for some reason he couldn't quite articulate while also being incredibly attracted to her, so that every time he tried to explore his underlying feelings he just got upset and typed out more incoherent messages in her Twitter threads.