From suspicious makeovers to patterns of sneaky lateness, there are already plenty of ways to determine if your partner is being unfaithful. But apparently, you can now add what's basically a motion-detecting "smart mattress" to your arsenal of paranoid investigative tactics. What a time to be alive, folks.
Specifically, a Spanish company called Durmet claims its new "Smarttress" uses 24 high-tech sensors to detect if and when people are, uh, making whoopee -- in which case it will send a push notification via an app on your phone, according to a report by re/code. A promotional video for the mattress (shown above) actually markets it as a response to what the company sees as a "global infidelity crisis," and even ends with the slogan, "If your partner isn’t faithful, at least your mattress is." In other words, this thing is hilariously unnecessary, and that's putting it mildly compared to the comments on the YouTube video.
Of course, the "Smarttress" sounds like a super-late April Fool's Day joke, but the re/code report also includes a comment from a Durmet spokesperson, confirming this thing is indeed a real product. In fact, they said the first publicly available "Smarttress" is still in the manufacturing process, and while it's unclear when they'll be up for sale, an undisclosed number of potential buyers with crippling trust issues have already expressed interest in paying $1,750, per the report. At this point, all we can say is, ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.
Such a product inspires a lot of very important questions. Here are just a few we came up with in our initial reaction to the video: What about when your partner cheats at the other person's place? Who has sex only in bed, anyway? Why not just cameras and barbed wire? Why not just hire a private investigator? Isn't somehow secretly purchasing and installing a high-tech mattress just as deceptive? Why does it seem like the mattress is targeting primarily male victims of infidelity? Is this some sort of viral marketing product for The Jerry Springer Show? Oh, and does it have a pillow top?
That last one is a deal breaker, by the way.
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Tony Merevick is Cities News Editor at Thrillist and would love to use this just to monitor how lazy dogs and cats are throughout the day. Send news tips to email@example.com and follow him on Twitter @tonymerevick.