You guys remember David Letterman, right? Tall guy who dominated late-night TV for, like, 33 years? Well, Dave's back in the spotlight again after calling it quits with Late Show with David Letterman in May. And it's all because of one thing -- well -- 15,000 little grey things. Hair. Beards. His grey beard.
As GQ puts it, Letterman's beard has hit Santa status and everybody friggin' loves it. His so-called "retirement beard" is touching the hearts and chins of people all over America, prompting those of us with a voice on the Internet to feverishly work on a tribute to show Dave how much we still love him, and his facial hair.
So, for old times sake, here's a Top Ten list for our favorite late-night host: Top Ten Things That Are Probably Hiding in Letterman's Beard
10. Cookie crumbs
It happens to everybody -- but especially to grown men who love cookies.
9. The 1974 Denver Broncos
Except for head coach, John Ralston, because he's too old to spend an extended period of time in another man's beard.
Well, not poop poop, but definitely the same bacteria that could be found in fecal matter. Actually, there very well could be an actual chunk of shit in there, too.
7. Little toys
Aww, toys for all the children of the world!!
6. A discarded joke about Jay Leno
It's not out of the realm of possibility. Letterman and Leno aren't rivals anymore, so Letterman would have hell to pay if anyone found a crumpled-up joke in his trashcan. Thus, why not hide it in a place the public would least suspect: his beard.
5. A sugar glider
Man, those little guys sure love hiding!
4. A cyanide capsule
Hey, that's not funny.
3. 10 Lords a-Leaping
Slightly more believable than five golden rings or an entire pear tree.
2. A crumpled-up spec. script for Outlander
Which is a little crazy, as the critically acclaimed show is based on a series on books.
Thousands and thousands of rocks.
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Jeremy Glass is a writer for Thrillist and has a beard sometimes.