You Haven't Heard of a Dick Bidet, But You'll Definitely Want One

penis bidet
Eduard Gevorkyan

Warning: Turn back now or be prepared to never un-know that bidets for penises are a thing. A new high-tech urinal is going to make sure that johnsons everywhere are as clean as they can be. It's called the Urinary 2.0 and it's a smart front bidet, with way more features than the common backside bidet.

The smart urinal has sensors that keep track of your stream. Once it senses that business is winding down, it spritzes a bit of soapy water on your nether region, then activates a hand dryer-like mechanism for groins. The spray can sense the size of the penis in the urinal as well, directing the spray accordingly to make sure your pants aren't getting a frothy lather as well. Plus, as a spa-esuqe bonus, the Urinary 2.0 sprays cool water in the summer and warm water in the winter because, dammit, you work too hard to get room temperature water poured down your pants.

The geniuses behind this car wash for cocks are Spanish biochemist Eduard Gevorkyan, economist Ivan Giner, and business coach Miguel Angel Levanteri, and they're already in the prototype stage. They're currently in talks to sell the patent to another company for over $750,000, according to a report in the Spanish La Info.

Their goal is to present a hygienic solution for public restrooms, Gevorkyan told La Info, presenting a product that not only cleans but helps to avoid the passage of germs to hands that touch faucet handles and other items in the bathroom. It's an admirable goal, as long as it doesn't malfunction because you have to assume people with scalded groins are a litigious group.

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Dustin Nelson is a News Writer with Thrillist. He holds a Guinness World Record, but has never met the fingernail lady. He’s written for Sports Illustrated, Men’s Journal, The Rumpus, and other digital wonderlands. Follow him @dlukenelson.