If you're a totally insufferable penis with human features and a passion for vaguely meaningful material goods, great news! For the not-low price of $195, you can own a piece of the Coney Island boardwalk. If that sounds expensive for a piece of wood that was a boardwalk, until Hurricane Sandy smashed it to smithereens a few years ago, that's because it's attached to a knife and is actually the ornamental handle of this fixed-blade knife.
$200 isn't outrageous for a good knife, and with its all-steel, US-made construction, this thing has the makings of one. But who are you, Historic-Patina-Knife-Buying Bro? Do you wander through Red Hook on a CitiBike, looking for a picturesque spot to whittle? Are you a banker who needs a nice clean blade to snort... uh, "stuff" off of? Perhaps you're a transplant hell-bent on gentrifying not only Brooklyn's neighborhoods, but also its proud, aging landmarks? Some weirdly stabby combination of the three?
Please: No. Stop. You must stop this madness. You are being a colossal dick.
Dave Infante is a senior writer for Thrillist and lives in Brooklyn, where he has been stabbed zero times. Follow @dinfontay on Twitter, Instagram, and Snapchat.