By now, you've probably seen or heard about "selfie rat," just another in the long line of recent vermin celebrities scurrying about grimy MTA stations. First, there was "pizza rat." It ate pizza. Then "double pizza rat" or "two rats, one pizza" came along. It was two rats eating pizza. And then "pigeon rat" skittered into our lives. It's almost redundant, since a pigeon is more or less a rat with wings. But, well, it was a thing.
OK, so now "selfie rat" is here, and I just have a hard time believing this shit is real.
The story is, according to Fox61, that some dude from Connecticut recorded a video of another dude sleeping on the subway platform in Brooklyn (Crown Heights if ur nasty). Which is already pretty weird, but he recorded the slumbering hipster because the guy had a rat on his lap. But it's getting all this attention because the rat allegedly snapped a selfie during the melee. Here's an actual pull quote from the Fox 61 story about how our dude woke up.
He didn't originally know the cause, but the man saw a flash and then realized the rat was on top of him, causing him to jump up. What he realized later after looking at his cell phone was that when the rat crawled onto his lap, where his cell phone was sitting, he decided to take a selfie!
Here, watch another human allegedly realize he's got a god damn rat on his lap.
We're supposed to believe the guys became buddies, according to Fox 61, and they exchanged this video and the photo tweeted above. Which... wat?
I dunno, I've worked in Internet news for a while, and I've seen a lot of weird shit. And it's Monday, and the button popped off my pants in the men's room this morning, three days before Thanksgiving. Maybe I'm just extra grumpy.
But I just feel like this is a hoax. Maybe it's not. I honestly am not gonna do the shoeleather reporting a debunking story would require. Because it's stupid. As somebody at Gawker said, why didn't this dude scare the rat away, like a decent human, instead of recording Sleeping Bougie? Fact is, people are just gonna keep seeking out the next Pizza Rat. It's so true. So we get stories like this.
It's because "Selfie Rat" starts trending on Facebook, and every last outlet writes its story about Selfie Rat until there are two dozen Selfie Rat stories in Google News
But rather than just doing that, we'll advance the story by giving you the next rats you can go out there [Ed. note: please don't do this] and make famous yourself. If you've got a cameraphone, it behooves you to record the next great New York rodent star.
Foie Gras Rat
The MTA's bougiest rat doesn't care what you think about eating on the subway.
A Brief History of Seven Killings Rat
A rat learns how to read by picking up a copy of one of 2015's most talked-about novels.
Game of Thrones Rat
I dunno, a rat got an HBO Go subscription and decided to use it in a station with WiFi.
True Detective Season 2 Rat
GoT Rat's cousin, but he's got rabies and makes bad choices.
He stuck in the 1980s and just doesn't get what he's doing wrong.
Belligerent Islanders Fan Rat
Did you know that's a team in Brooklyn now?
20 Rats Taking Up The Entire Goddamn Bench
Bottomless Mimosa Rat
This rat lives in Chelsea and only goes to brunches with bottomless booze.
Desperate Chipmunk Dressed Like a Rat Rat
He's from Iowa and saw Pizza Rat on TV. Now he's hoping to make it in the Big Apple.
He's always the first one in line, every day. Because he's a rat/doesn't have a job.
A rat who's got the most fire Snapchat of 2015.
That's enough of these. Please stop with the rats already.