This Blob Is a Snowstorm That's Gonna Ruin Your Weekend

Remember the salad days when it was literally 69 (heh) degrees on Christmas Eve in New York? It sucked for ice skating in Rockefeller Center, but ruled for just about everything else. But at some point, everyone has to pay the piper -- which is an antiquated way of saying the mild winter is about to end, because when's the last time you saw a piper?

In any case, the National Weather Service says the East Coast is about to have its ass handed to it by Winter Storm Jonas after its thus-far unseasonably balmy winter. Forecasts say the region could see as much as 3ft of snow this weekend in the Mid-Atlantic region, and still up to several inches further north. As Eric Holthaus writes for Slate, "This week’s storm will be a sprawling slow-mover, virtually guaranteeing heavy, multi-inch snowfall across a vast swath from Virginia to New England."

But the superlatives don't end there.

"There's going to be a big storm. Somebody's going to get walloped," Victor Gensini, a meteorology professor at College of DuPage, told the Associated Press. "It does look like it's going to be a doozy."

That was about the full extent of Gensini's humdinger quotes, but let's just add another quote for good measure.

There's pretty much never a time you want to hear "crippling impacts" or "blockbuster blizzard." And here they made it into the same tweet!

As previously stated, most of the East Coast has dodged typical winter temperatures and flurries, with the New York Times noting that New York City sits 9 inches of snow below normal at this point in the year. Furthermore, this storm isn't like the predicted Snowpacalypse 2015, in that New Yorkers dodged that blizzard. And now it's 2016. Nope, instead, it's pretty much assured to hit, according to predictive models, including a foot of white powder that has nothing to do with finance bros in NYC and Boston.

Furthermore, such a huge snow dump (heh, dump) suggests traffic will be horrible on interstates 64, 66, 68, 77, 70, 81, 83 and 95, according to Accuweather. Hell, that almost looks like a Powerball ticket. Except you have a 100% chance of losing if you're driving on those freeways during the storm. Plan accordingly.

Now's a pretty good time to stock up on the essentials -- namely, what's new on Netflix this month, and getting that Seamless app downloaded before the power goes out. If you wanna see weather models, check out Jim Cantore's headshots here. And the National Weather Service's maps here.

Stay safe, people.

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Ryan Craggs is Thrillist's Senior News Editor. He grew up in Ohio, so this snowstorm is about as scary to him as a newborn echidna. Follow him @ryanrcraggs.