Food & Drink

Hey Smithsonian, You’re Hiring a Craft Beer Scholar, Where’s your Cocktail Czar?

The Smithsonian is hiring a Craft Beer Scholar to “conduct archival and field research for a new initiative on American brewing history.” Or, said another way, “one of our country’s most vaunted museums is going to pay someone to drink a ton of craft beer and talk fancy about it.” Candidates will be competing for the dream job and an annual salary of $64,000. Yes, you read that right—a six, a four, and three zeroes.

Even though we prefer spirits to beer, we were happy to hear the good news for our hoppy brethren. Still, we were puzzled about the lack of love for cocktails. Sure beer has been around longer, but humans have been distilling spirits for more than 600 years. What are we, chopped livers?

We are willing to forgive, though, and our terms are reasonable. All we want is a massive theme park bolted onto the back of the Smithsonian, featuring rides themed to great moments in cocktail history.

We want an immersive VR exhibit where you can ride with Don the Beachcomber in 1934 as he sailed through the South Pacific. We want to sit at La Floridita with an animatronic Papa Hemingway as he tells the bartender to take out the sugar and double the rum. We want to throw back Gin and Tonics with out of work actors dressed up like British soldiers, taking their malaria medicine in the early 1800s.

But tell you what—for now we’ll settle for you hiring a Cocktail Czar to keep your Craft Beer Scholar company. If you don’t, who’s going to make fun of your Wine Wizard?