For years, home pregnancy tests have allowed men to get "the news" in the comfort of their own home -- but there's never been a convenient way to determine if it was really your boys who "blue it". Ascertain that bastard's provenance, with IDENTIGENE's Home Paternity Test.
Now available over the counter, GENE's baby-daddy
test cuts away the aggravation and red tape of paternity inquests by removing the need to involve MDs, lawyers, or Maury Povich. Step one: have a baby. Step two: swab both your own and the little booger's cheek (for the best shot at a conclusive result, a sample from the mother's also recommended, though of course, she also recommended that you "just trust her"). Step three: mail it in, and 3-to-5 business days later, you'll get a 99.9%-accurate yes/no, either online or by hard copy, depending on whether you want identity thieves or your cleaning lady to know of your supposed latex allergy.
GENE also lets you order a kit online, although that ends up being about $100 more -- but what is that compared to a semester at Harvard? Or even Wisconsin?