For years, your mom had supreme authority to bail you out of undesirable situations, like school, and sleepovers with that kid who only rode unicycles. Now that you're growns, shirking responsibilities requires a higher power: Fake Doctor's Notes.
Created by one Dr. E.Z. Streat, Notes're a collection of faux physicians' excuses usable for escape from any adult situation -- because unless she's retained her slutty good looks, your mom'll have little sway on your boss. The quality of the knock-offs is exceptional, and Streat saves you from fraud on an actual healer by creating phony docs and practices (only slightly less difficult to get an appointment at than your real one). Just download and print the notes, then fill 'em out with your best MD scrawl; the set of 15 includes general practitioner; shrink; cardiologist; urologist; and ear, nose, and throatologist, who alone can provide a trifecta of cover for your midweek craps constitutional.
To keep your employer from assuming you'll die soon, Streat's pack also comes with non-medical excuses, like a jury duty letter, or the unholy nuclear solution, a funeral pamphlet. Complete with pictures, artwork, and a poem, it'll also bolster your case for future medical absences, by showing exactly what happens to the poor guy who "just never went to the doctor".