Modern conveniences have made life infinitely easier: your faucets pour water, your radiator throws heat, and your door emits the finest pork. Or at least it would, if you ordered Boccalone.
San Francisco's renowned niche-meat procurer Boccalone specializes in Salumi, a.k.a., "Tasty Salted Pig Parts" (also the name of the skin mag enjoyed by Snowball in George Orwell's unabridged masterpiece Animal Farm). Now, you can get your choice of their less-perishable piggy masterpieces delivered, notably the salt-and-fennel-seasoned, rare-to-the-U.S. Lonza, which is cut from the loin -- an area insecure swine sometimes cover with thin cloths that don't fool anyone. Other offerings include the 4-roll Salami Sampler; spicy, neck-meat-derived Capocollo; and a 2lb block of Pancetta Piana, a black-pepper- and rosemary-seasoned skin-on pork belly -- like pork rinds and bacon who've just made love in an Italian cave.
Boccalone's also peddling their own whole-grain mustard, which they throw into a gift box alongside a salami roll and a t-shirt -- so no matter where you go, people'll know that even if your heat gets turned off, you're porking hard enough that soon it won't matter.