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Oliver Sweeney Shoes

Everyone knows that improperly fitting shoes can lead to pathetically geriatric "foot problems" -- but who wants to throw bricks of gold at a custom-made pair? Bringing near-bespoke comfort to the common man: Oliver Sweeney. Oliver Sweeney's one of England's most respected custom cobblers, with loyal customers ranging from Arnold Schwarzenegger to David Beckham, owner of England's least respected feet. Now, Sweeney's figured out a way to mass-produce his personal touch: whereas most companies model shoes using wood molds that barely resemble human appendages, Sweeney's are anatomically accurate. The simple fact that they're fatter near the ball and narrower at the heel provides an immediate snugness that was heretofore unattainable. And unlike standard templates, these also conform to the arch, ridding you of that painful, 17th-Century-Chinese-child-bride break-in period. Style-wise, these perfect-fitters are outfitted in everything from the supplest leather to armor-like stingray skin. Whichever you choose, if you scuff them, Sweeney'll restore them to their virginal glory for half the price of a new pair -- a process you can repeat until raging gout puts you beyond the help of even the most ergonomically generous mold.