SportFish 2-in-1

Keeping clean's bad enough, but having to go to a salon to spend a fortune on Mango Patchouli Body Rinse and Rhino Placenta Hydration Gel can actually cause your penis to fall off. Here's how SportFish Shampoo and Body Wash can keep you in one piece:

It saves time: As the name suggests, SF is both a body wash and a shampoo, so you'll be able to spend less time cleaning yourself and more time tenderly masturbating.

It saves space: It's only one bottle. This will leave more room on your shower caddy for tiny waterproof bath gnomes.

It's affordable: SportFish can be purchased for the same price as a domestic beer, 2 pizza slices, or 34 Latvian hookers.

It's at Rite Aid: Best of all, Sportfish is available at the same store where you already fill out your Podofilox prescription.

While you're there, also grab some FishShape (Cream), FishFingers (Wax), or JellyFish (Gel) -- the unprotected sex of hair goops. With all these man-compatible products at one man-compatible store, you'll never have to worry about your penis' safety again. Unless there are bears around.