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NewYourKey

Do you frequently lose your keys flinging them at bicyclists, or when robbers steal your purse -- or even through sheer carelessness? Here's the service that idiot key-losers have been buzzing about for days: NewYourKey. NYK is a storage/delivery service founded by two former French restaurant workers -- who, after realizing they were holding spares for 20+ regulars, decided they had to launch either a business or a robbery spree. The basics: you call NYK and arrange a meeting place, and they'll show up in a mobile key lab equipped with a computer, credit card reader, and key machine. Provide NYK with name+password+photo ID+signup fee, and they'll store your copy in a biometrically locked, human-and-video-monitored storage unit accessible only by bazooka, or the best head any security guard's ever received*. Then once you inevitably lock yourself out, you can call NYK anytime day or night, and they'll be there key in hand, usually in around 15 minutes -- long before you pass out on a bed of oozing garbage. Cost is minimal: $30 for the basic plan, up to $60 if you want others to have access (say an out-of-town guest, or your philandering father), plus $20 per delivery. It really is a steal, especially when consider that a locksmith'll charge $100-$500 -- and that the last time you tried to break in, the fire escape flung you onto a bicyclist.
*Even if someone does succumb to fellatio, the key's useless, as NYK doesn't keep your address on file.