BlackBerry-Thumb Massage

The modern professional suffers from some of history's most pathetic discomforts, chief among them the dreaded BlackBerry Thumb. To alleviate this and more, call Graceful Services. A highly respected Midtown spa, GS has developed a program that will surely destroy their sterling reputation: a full massage that deals with gadget-related strains, which despite being silly can cause legitimate neuromuscular distress. The most ludicrous-yet-helpful treatment is the BlackBerry Thumb Massage, designed to alleviate the swelling/joint pain associated with this hateful, tendonitis-style affliction. Whereas typical massages focus on the back and legs, this one works the thumbs, hands, and arms (+ the upper back, shoulders, and neck) -- allowing you to once again nimbly text "Get ur ass down here, bro...drinking scotch" to coworkers, friends, and a bewildered Don Mattingly. For completeness' sake, the sessions also treat the brachial plexus (the neck-nerve cluster that gets pinched when you constantly look down at... spreadsheets). Or, if you're more concerned with hygiene than comfort, GS offers a cell-phone facial, which clears out acne/dirt accumulated from constantly rubbing your cheek with a device you've never even considered cleaning. Because the only thing sadder than CrackBerry Thumb is Cellular Pizza Face.