Flying's enough of a chore without standing around in your socks waiting for security to determine you're not a madman, or a bearded madwoman. What you need's an airport Fast Pass: Clear.
Already in NYC (and on its way to everywhere), Clear's a pre-screening program that lets you zip past potentially disreputable fellow passengers and head straight for your gate. Sounds like a fantasy inspired by the very substances security routinely confiscates, but it's real: join, and you'll get a fingerprint-authorized card that accesses an X-ray-equipped VIP security checkpoint, staffed by an attendant who won't prejudge you as a threat, or even a nuisance. Instead of languishing in line behind doddering, flatulent retirees, you'll breeze through -- so you can depart much later for the airport, or show up at the normal time and still leisurely browse the newsstand, or, if you're feeling it, eat a 3lb sack of Gummy Tarantulas.
To enroll, just check out FlyClear.com, then finish registration at the JFK or Newark airport (or, through March 16, at the Grand Central Hyatt). Once the TSA approves your membership, you can use Clear at an ever-increasing number of airports nationwide -- so all that'll stand between you and maximal pre-flight efficiency is your inability to travel without an RPG-sized tube of Face Nair.