The only thing more embarrassing than having someone know you've whitened your teeth is having someone suggest you whiten your teeth. To head off mortification, try GoSMILE.
GoSMILE pioneer Jonathan B. Levine, DMD, entered the whitening wars in 1986 -- the year Top Gun taught us just how gleaming teeth can be. His patented, take-home kit can upgrade any ivories, from rodent yellows to hideous, baked bean browns.
The process is simple, and takes less than a minute: just squeeze a whitening capsule to activate it, then brush the formula right onto your chompers (far safer than tray systems, which bathe sensitive roots in chemicals). GS's formula bonds with your enamel just long enough for restoration, but not so long that your pigment's depleted -- turning your teeth an opaque blue, like you've been dining on Loin of Grover.
Most teeth are renewed after 7 days. Maintenance refills are also available -- because once you've lived the dream, backsliding could yellow your soul.
Enter the coupon code Thrillist for 15% off -- or, if you're willing to play roulette with your face, enter to win one of five Whitening Systems/Maintenance Kit Packs (a $127 value before discount) by emailing a pic of your teeth (no larger than 100k) to ThrillistContest@Gmail.com. Just don't expect victory: we'll only be choosing the absolute neediest candidates, so... Good luck?