Mother's Day

For you readers out there who aren't orphans or feral children, Sunday is Mother's Day. Make her happy with these gift suggestions. Clean Her House:Molly Maid800.MollyMaid; MollyMaid.comFor all those years she spent picking up your dirty towels and cleaning your crusty sheets, give her a gift certificate -- valid for full-service house cleaning in most parts of the country. You'll keep her off her feet for a day, and wrack her with guilt for letting the house get so messy. Maybe if she were more motivated to clean, she'd have gotten an actual visit from her son.Rub Down:Human Touch OttoMan 3.5 Foot and Calf Massager$379.95 at SharperImage.comTired of giving mom foot massages? Make your life easier and less Oedipally disgusting by getting her this Foot and Calf Massager. It's remote-controlled, offers three different speeds for her aching dogs, and will allow you to never interact with your mother on a physically intimate level ever again.Hollandaise of Yore:Tetra-Pak Hollandaise $11.95 at GourmetSleuth.comIf you can't be with your mother on May 14th (or you're just too lazy to wake up before 4pm) buy her the essence of brunch: pre-packed Hollandaise sauce. Think about it: Without Hollandaise, Eggs Benedict is just a McMuffin. And unlike homemade H, this'll keep for weeks -- so her initial elation won't turn to disappointment when she's poisoned by salmonella.