For you readers out there who aren't orphans or feral children, Sunday is Mother's Day. Make her happy with these gift suggestions.
Clean Her House: Molly Maid
For all those years she spent picking up your dirty towels and cleaning your crusty sheets, give her a Mollymaid.com gift certificate -- valid for full-service house cleaning in most parts of the country. You'll keep her off her feet for a day, and wrack her with guilt for letting the house get so messy. Maybe if she were more motivated to clean, she'd have gotten an actual visit from her son.
Rub Down: Human Touch OttoMan 3.5 Foot and Calf Massager
$379.95 at SharperImage.com
Tired of giving mom foot massages? Make your life easier and less Oedipally disgusting by getting her this Foot and Calf Massager. It's remote-controlled, offers three different speeds for her aching dogs, and will allow you to never interact with your mother on a physically intimate level ever again.
Hollandaise of Yore: Tetra-Pak Hollandaise
$11.95 at GourmetSleuth.com
If you can't be with your mother on May 14th (or you're just too lazy to wake up before 4pm) buy her the essence of brunch: pre-packed Hollandaise sauce. Think about it: Without Hollandaise, Eggs Benedict is just a McMuffin. And unlike homemade H, this'll keep for weeks -- so her initial elation won't turn to disappointment when she's poisoned by salmonella.