Gear: Naked & Angry Ties $95 and up at NakedAndAngry.com 100% silk, handmade Father's Day staples from the cunning experts behind Threadless. Each tie's individually numbered and comes in a hand-built, hardwood, satin-lined box sure to impress him even as it evokes the myriad hamsters he ushered into backyard interment
Grooming: Kama Sutra Condoms $10.70 for a pack of 5 at Atypyk-E-Shop.com You've gotten yourself into a condom, but what now? Check the glow-in-the-dark wrapper for one of the 64 positions pictured for inspiration. Then re-arouse, re-condom, and repeat the whole blue-ballin' process
Gear: Attus Apparel Shot Up Polo $100 from AttusApparel.com Nothing says, "I'm an extra from Commando!" like rocking a shirt that's been demonstrably blasted up with shotguns, 357 magnums, and 45s. To verify the process, check the site for video weirdly described by Attus as "serious", though better described as "disappointingly John Matrix-free"
Gear: Keep Sunnies $5 from KeepCompany.com Those classic, Day-Glo legged sunglasses you sported as a teenager're back -- still cheap, still fluorescent, and still unlikely to survive being sat on by the fat kid
Drinks: Bar Briefcase $720 from UnicaHome.com A fifth of vodka in a backpack's bottom is fine and good for a teenage miscreant, but a grownup miscreant needs a more elegant -- and capable -- hooch caddy. This aluminum briefcase hides a 14-piece satin stainless steel bar set, giving you the power to distract everyone in the meeting from your atrocious, swear-laden PowerPoint with a fresh round of Ramos Fizzes
Bacon: Mo's Bacon Bar $7 from VosgesChocolate.com Applewood smoked bacon + Alder smoked salt + milk chocolate = the only confection to give hamburger pudding a run for its money.