Home LED Lamp

While a dimmed, suggestive atmosphere has the power to lower a priggish woman's defenses, the means to create it have the power to make you look like a polyester-swaddled date rapist. Skip the lava lamps and black lights and make a stealthy play for sexytime illumination -- with a Home LED Lamp

From the creators of USB-Heated Slippers and Desktop Plasma Balls, the Home LED Lamp has all the moodish versatility of a sad, rollerblading magician dressed as a mermaid, plus the enhanced longevity and energy efficiency of LED technology. It fits into an ordinary socket, and unlike, say, a mirrored disco ball, is innocuous enough not to be noticed until it's put to terrifying use. With a discreet command from the accompanying remote, it'll dim or toggle through 16 colors -- going amber for a relaxing dinner, to purple for dancing and grabbing your crotch, back to white for your frantic plea that she not call the police

For added Night at the Roxy-rifficness, HLL has settings for flash, strobe, fade, and the wonderfully non-descriptive "smooth". So whether it's set to a saucier tint or a respectably normal one, your HLL is guaranteed to send the right cheesy message, at the time of your choosing. If only the same could be said of your vast display of butt lotions.