While you dreaded the schoolyard beatings brought on by mom's reindeer sweater, she did keep you in a steady supply of clothes without holes in the crotch. For all the convenience, with none of the mock turtlenecks, try the Box Program.
Started up by the edgy-upscale boutique Dylan, the BP's a personal shopping service that delivers fresh gear to your doorstep monthly -- like a book-of-the-month club that never expects you to reflect on the plight of coal-town women.
Schedule a housecall, and their fashion buyer'll pop by for an introductory interview, then subject your closet to a remorseless analysis to determine which pieces are still viable, which're fit for Goodwill, and which should be dropped on Al Qaeda training camps to make them question the existence of Allah.
Every thirty days, she'll handpick duds from Dylan's collection (brands like Mike+Chris, Paul Smith, and Union) and mail them to you along with detailed notes on how to pair them with your old wardrobe's survivors (Wear with tweed blazer...I mean, your "Smart Person Coat").
The program starts at $250/month, all of which goes towards the clothes, which you'll have 14 days to return or exchange if you really like the hoodie, but your mom keeps asking if you're hopped up on "the goofballs".