Thinking you can get the ideal dog at the local pet store is like betting that the pull-and-pray will keep you disease-free and childless come morning. Stack your odds of finding canine perfection with a Champ Bulldog.
Each year, Maryland-based CB breeds and lovingly raises world champion bloodlined English Bulldogs -- a highly exclusive cadre of show-quality companions/college mascots. The adoption process is rigorous, entailing everything from phone interviews, to character references, to a solemn oath that you won't allow the creature to breed (the very promise Horatio Sanz's mother was forced to make, but for the opposite reason). Upon approval you'll be put on CB's wait list, a probationary period providing the window during which your dog gets born. After that, a near-perfect pooch'll be couriered to your city's airport -- where you can pick it up like you might your similarly drool-prone grandmother.
As with sportscars, cognac, and luxury ham, premium Bulldogs come at a price ($2500 and up), but seeing as how the child you bred with the bartender at Hooters costs you $5000/month, the Bulldog's a good money bet.