Food: Allie's Edibles Indulgent Comfort Sweets
$10 to $36 at AlliesEdibles.com
Show up your sibs with these individually wrapped, homemade chocolates w/ PB, marshmallow, caramel, toffee, ganache, and pretzel centers. The gift box is even customized with an uploaded photo, providing a Pavlovian opportunity to make her associate delicious treats with the image of you riding a motorcycle.
Gear: Wildbleu Hot Flash Pajamas
$44 for the sleepshirt at Wildbleu.com
Much as you'd like to believe mom can still hook you up with another little brother/sister, odds are she's closing in on the big M. WB uses gym technology (athlete-grade, moisture-wicking, odor-resistant fabric) to produce comfy hot-flash-preventing nightwear -- also useful for moms who are prone to sleep-weightlifting.
Gear: Design 21: Social Design Network's Allumonde Ring
$35 and up at Design21SDN.com
Buy your madre a simple, elegant ring, and 19% of your money goes towards the charity of her choice, while a 2% pittance goes to UNESCO -- because like your mom, Design 21: Social Design Network isn't that into kids.
Food: WeTakeTheCake Mother's Day Cake
$26 from WeTakeTheCake.com
Who wouldn't want a made-from-scratch gourmet dark chocolate almond bundt cake with orange cream cheese frosting? Only a crazy person. Order mom's by EOD and it'll ship on Wednesday to arrive on Friday -- a comparably painless delivery, as the cake didn't spend an extra week tenaciously clinging to her fallopian tubes.
Gadgets: Turn-Me-On Vibrating Panties
$99 at BootyParlor.com
These lace and satin bikini bottoms hide a 7-function vibrating nub, which you control via wireless remote -- because physically touching your mom there would be inappropriate.
$29-79 for each bouquet at SaveMyAss.com
Never forget Mother's Day with this life-saving cocktail of technology, home delivery, and hollow-eyed cynicism.