Umbro by Kim Jones

You may remember Umbro shorts from such activities as playing soccer, and blushing as your pubescing dong flopped out after having just played soccer. Well, hold onto your equipment: here come Umbro trainers by Kim Jones. British designer Kim Jones's collabo with footie staple Umbro has resulted in a sneaker that's one part athletic-simple and one part casual-lothario. Fine detailing and concealed stitches streamline the shoe's look, while pre-molded sock inserts and breathable X-static lining give it the sportiness of a box-dwelling Ugandan soccer prodigy. Among the multitude of options (high or low-top, bizarre/subtle colors), the highlight's a basket-style, woven leather affair with all the cachet of a pair of Keds -- and none of the cache of staggering around with your feet thrust into the actual baskets of dismayed, picnicking lovers

Granted, the names for these shoes stray into the absurd (eg: the "Morks" and "Mindys", presumably for very old men who lived in the era when Robin Williams was thought funny) -- but avoid that pitfall and your UbKJ'll be turning heads whether you're kicking around a fútbol or boldly sunning your now-developed genitals.