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Tiecrafters

Ties are a troublesome beast: they're easily ruined, often ill-proportioned, and go out of style faster than Hammer pants. The solution to these and other problems: tiecrafters.

Tiecrafters has specialized in tie restoration and overhaul since the days when not wearing neckwear got you blacklisted as a communist. With an average employee tenure of 20yrs, TC's achieved a level of specialization comparable to that of a brain surgeon, or an assassin who only targets ministers of pork products.

Their basic services:

Cleaning: Fearful of ruining silk, dry cleaners make only feeble attempts to remove stains. TC's experts can recognize and chemically eradicate virtually any discoloration, from coffee, to Miracle Whip, to rare Seychelles magpie robin droppings, all without damaging the fabric.

Alteration: For $15 - $17, TC can adjust a tie's length to compliment a taller man or prevent the obscuring of a shorter man's package. More impressively, they can update trendiness by thinning or widening -- so your '87 Jacobin Mugatu piano key tie will no longer be embarrassingly thin, just embarrassingly full of piano keys.

Customization: For $70, TC can craft you a fashionable noose using one of their 250 swatches. Or, they can use whatever material you bring in: an old concert tee, your childhood blanky, or for the ultimate power tie -- your boss's missing Armani jacket.

As a bonus, TC's offering 10% off all services to anyone who mentions this email. The deal lasts now through the Holidays, which takes care of gifts for that other troublesome beast, your incredible shrinking father.